PELOSI IN FLIGHT by Jack Rink

Jack Rink is a periodic contributor to The Chieftain and a former member of the Pueblo City Schools Board of Education.


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This is hilarious and written by a gentleman from Pueblo who is a member of the Republican Party.

In this year of the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing we have a unique opportunity to solve several crises facing our country in one bold stroke. Specifically, we can reinvigorate our space program while simultaneously jump-starting the economy and encouraging the green movement. To build upon the inspirational words of President John F. Kennedy, I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal of sending a speaker of the House to Mars.

Just as the 1969 moon landing resulted in a wave of patriotism the impact of Nancy Pelosi on Mars would be an enormous boost to our national pride. Martian pride may suffer somewhat but they sent us the creepy monsters that tried to digest Tom Cruise in “War of the Worlds” - so it is a fair trade. And after successfully landing a speaker on Mars, it would only be another short step to send human beings.

Are there dangers? Of course. One potential disaster is that an auxiliary storage tank on the rocket could burst on takeoff, spreading an enormous Botox cloud over much of North America. Millions of Americans would be unable to blink their eyes or move the muscles in their upper face until the effects wore off.

Or Pelosi’s spacecraft could veer off course and crash on a totally different planet. It might even land on the world that that inspired the movie “Aliens” - those drooling, toothy, Sigourney Weaver-eating, life forms. Mixing Pelosi with an entire race of vicious, blood-thirsty aliens would result in a horrible slaughter.

Wiping out the population of aliens could even violate the Protected Species Act.

Perhaps the most dangerous risk is that Pelosi may find her way back. But these are chances we have to take to regain the spirit of innovation that made this country great.

On the positive side, imagine the exciting possibilities of Pelosi on Mars. For one, she may have the opportunity to make contact with Barney Frank’s parents. Maybe Pelosi could find other life forms. There is even a slim possibility that ACORN has not already registered them to vote.

The required investment in new space technology would jump-start the economy. The Mercury and Apollo missions spawned amazing technological breakthroughs such as the Space Pen which became an excellent Seinfeld episode. Just one similar invention could lead to reruns worth a fortune to the entertainment industry. The resulting billions in tax revenues could fund the federal budget for several milliseconds.

We could even apply the collective abilities of the new government motor companies toward space exploration by contracting them to design and build one or two rockets each year. While this may be higher volume manufacturing than automobiles, the same creative minds that brought us the Pontiac Aztec could easily rise to the challenge. In fact, the designers’ sense of style suggests that they are probably not from planet Earth themselves.

A mission to Mars may sound like a huge investment but in comparison to the bailouts of other industries that are already in progress the cost is minimal. And if we hurry, we can get a $4,500 rebate on the remaining space shuttles.

The idea also complements Pelosi’s new green initiatives. New technologies could to be perfected to achieve space travel while still meeting proposed cap and trade restrictions. Thousands of jobs would be created to produce the next generation of wind-powered booster rockets. Wasteful materials currently used for space capsules such as aluminum and titanium could be replaced with renewable bamboo and hemp.

While launching a rocket to Mars would undoubtedly generate some carbon footprint, it would be far less than that of the tax-paid jet that shuttles Pelosi back and forth to California.

Finally, if the concept of sending government officials to outer space catches the imagination of the public, there is no end to the possibilities. A logical next step would be to use other members of Congress to explore the surface of the Sun. Although it would be possible to accomplish the same thing with laboratory rats, using members of Congress has an important advantage. The NASA technicians tend to get emotionally attached to the rats.